Looks like things have finally started moving again. I’m settling into the new, higher intensity workouts, and the scale is gradually begun to inch its way down. It’s about damn time! I have definitely noticed a new leaning of my body recently. I need to take a new set of measurements so I can tell exactly what’s changing, but I can definitely feel things starting to improve… And I can always use external signs of internal progress. It’s a good motivator.
I’m continuing to examine my thinking around this whole exercise, food and fitness deal, and I stumbled across a weird idea that I’ve apparently had for a long time. I seem to think that the energy I have is similar to the gas in a car’s gas tank – if I used too much I’ll run out. And by run out I don’t think I mean get tired, I think I mean dead on the side of the road, unable to move.
This idea causes me to guard my exertion jealously. I have this internal system built around not wanting to move unless I absolutely have to – because I might need that energy later. I have no earthly idea where this idea came from. Probably a holdover from the drug days where my goal in life was sort of heart and lungs only.
It’s weird that used to be my goal, but it’s totally what I was after for a good portion of the 90’s. So it’s not surprising that I have some unexamined, deeply held ideas around why movement is not a good idea. But the more I move, more experience I get with moving, the more I understand that is not how things work at all. In fact, it seems like the more I move, the more ability I have to move. Even when I’m tired, there is still energy in there if I need it. So my desire to sit down – my urge to push towards some sort of a finish line that ends on the couch – is something that I have to continue to look at. Everybody needs some rest, especially at the end of the day, but it doesn’t need to be the prime motivator in moving through the day. If it is, I am always hurrying through everything just so I can get home to the couch. THAT is no way to live, and not something I want to keep doing. So I’m trying to slow down and be present, feel my body, and move through space… It’s an interesting experience. I wonder what it’ll show me next.