Its funny how small actions, seemingly inconsequential things, slowly but inexorably move you towards a place you never knew you were going. I’ve found myself in some of those unexpected places several times in my life. Through no conscious decision, I gradually chipped away at what few moral and ethical standards I had until by the late 90’s I was essentially feral… I was a danger to myself, and anyone who got close to me. Through considerable effort and with some direction from people who’d been through it, I was able to take small, intentional actions that, over time completely change that situation.
The situation with my weight and health followed much the same path. I made decisions that put me in a hole, and I am just beginning to find a new way to live. I am learning to examine my thinking around food and exercise in way’s I actively avoided in the past. I always kind of knew that my actions were none too smart, but as long as I didn’t actually examine them I could pretend that I was unaware and continue to do exactly what I wanted to do with at least a tiny bit of plausible deny-ability. That had to change if I wanted to make any real, lasting improvements in my life, and a good bit of my effort is spent examining what I’m doing and why, so I can get better at it and not accidentally hamstring myself with another lie.
After seeing a video of myself about 6 months ago I realized that I have actually developed a bunch of physical tics as a result of my weight. These tics are caused by years of feeling like my body doesn’t fit properly. Most days I feel like my skin is an ill-fitting shirt that is constantly in need of adjustment. The extra weight behinds up at the armpits and the elbows in other places, and I’m constantly adjusting my body as well as my clothing. The end result of this looks like I have the plague of pics… I am constantly twitching. I wasn’t aware of that until I saw video. I was horrified. One of the unintended pleasant outcomes this journey I’m on is that everyday my body feels like it fits me a little better every day. It doesn’t bind quite as badly as it used to, and I have every hope that I continue to lose weight my body continues to move or functionally all those tics will gradually fade.
Once again I find myself in a place taking small continuous intentional action to get out of place I never intended to be in the first place. I do have some experience with this. Guess we’ll see…